Adolescence At It’s Best
If you are parenting an adolescent today then my guess would be that anxiety is a large part of the process. Being a parent to a teenager, I find myself ready to run in the opposite direction one too many times. Often parents tell me I’m lucky to have the know-how and the skills to better deal with my teenager, however I can assure you that most times I find myself ready to jump off a cliff. The remainder of the times, I end up using my tools and to my surprise they actually do work.
She walks in the door, the food is not what she wants to eat, her math papers were moved on her desk and she cant seem to find her English book! Her temper is starting to escalate, she looks around at you and with as much disrespect as you can imagine, lashes out at you with disbelief because you just don't seem to understand what she is saying and you simply can’t seem to help.
Sounds Familiar?
What do we do?
Teenagers are unique and in many ways self-contradictory. As they are striving to create individuality, they are having to juggle around peer acceptance at the same time. While they think they have all of the knowledge, they crave new experiences. They constantly find different ways to test and challenge authority and in some cases become self-destructive. They are somehow lost in being responsible adults and confused adolescents. As parents or adults who have to deal with teenagers we can try our best to use the tools that work and let the rest of the pieces fall into place.
Don’t Take It Personal
Your adolescent’s behavior is not a reflection of your parenting skills. Make sure to avoid making this about you. Parents often take blame and as a result react accordingly. Your child is only creating his identity, allow them to do so without making it about you. Remind yourself that you modeled the right behavior and solidified a very strong foundation, hence what they are going through is only temporary and has nothing to do with your parenting abilities.
Utilize the best communication tools
In most cases, your teenager is running on high levels of hormonal confusion, the more you feed into it by mirroring his behavior, the larger the conflict. Try to help your young adult communicate effectively. When in a difficult situation, modeling good communication skills will stick and manifest with them in future encounters. Asking you to stay calm might be difficult at times, but by throwing more fuel to the fire, you will both get burnt. A simple calm response might trigger a calm reaction and in hopes tone them down to result in a better outcome.
EMPATHY and HUMOR
In most cases when a teenager is throwing a fit, they are simply asking for someone to validate their feelings. Avoid telling them what to do in trivial matters, instead help them by empathizing with their thoughts and feelings. Once they have calmed down from the emotional roller coaster, you can then sit down and have a productive conversation. I tend to see adolescents chunk down when we also approach an emotional outbreak with humor. In many cases when I use humor, most teens will snap out of their self destructive behavior.
Be There But Dont Solve
Many difficult teenagers behave as they do because they dont believe adults really listen. How often have we heard, “you don’t even listen to me.” When you see a teenager upset or under some distress, offer them the option of talking to you. Make yourself available and remind them that you are here. Use the “pull” strategy and let them come to you when they are ready. Allow them to come up with a solution and share it with you as opposed to offering a solution yourself. Ask them questions instead of offering them advise. They may lash out at you with a not so kind response, but this strategy will allow them to figure out a way to find a way out. When we solve their problems, we don't help them. They need to know that they are capable to solve their own problems meanwhile they have you there for support.
As difficult as it seems to parent a teenager, it can actually be a unique and memorable time as long as we as parents learn how to avoid conflict with them. I always like to use the example of the “Lost Key” to remind parents that adolescents are on an emotional high similar to the high we experience when we loose our car key and we are late to a very important meeting. Instead of searching for the key rationally, we keep checking in the same exact location with very little focus. With effective skills and strategies you can employ to minimize their defiance and increase their cooperation and as a result help them become better leaders of their own emotional health.
