Job Title: MOM
I DON'T LOVE YOU!
I CAN'T STAND YOU!
YOU ARE THE WORST MOM EVER!
If you have ever heard your child say any of these thing, CONGRATULATIONS!
This makes you eligible to join the league of great Moms. One of the hardest things moms face is when their children are mean, rude and in some cases disrespectful. Although this may not have always been the case, the change can often bring moms to doubting their abilities as parents.
While your child still needs you for what seems to be almost everything, eventually you will no longer be the center of their world. They will start to understand that you are two completely separate people and that they are entitled to their own opinions and ideas. They will start to discover that other people are interesting and even might prefer to spend time with them instead. Something they use to need help with might become an easy accomplishment independently. As some moms enjoy this transition, others might find it extremely difficult at first.
Watching your child go from infancy, to early childhood, then middle childhood and later adolescence is a journey for a mom. While some find the early childhood days to be the most challenging and demanding, most moms get to the stage of adolescence and wish they could steer back in the opposite direction.
The task of adolescence is to move away from the exclusive identification with family and to explore the greater world outside of their home. This separation is extremely important for a healthy transition into adulthood. This is a frustrating time for many moms as they feel their teen is pushing them away only to pull back whenever they need something. In order for the adolescent to explore the world in a healthier way, it is vital that moms accept and treat this period very delicately.
I often get moms who come up to me after a workshop and with frustration ask me what the best approach is to be able to make it through this transitional period. The main requirement is patience along with a few reminders.
1. You are not being rejected.
Understand that by focusing on his or her friends, your adolescent is not rejecting you. Instead, they are transitioning into an intense period of change. Home and family must always remain their safe place where they can always come back and find a stable environment. They must always feel that the home is a secure place when their friends and peers become too intense and overwhelming.
2. Let them be them!
From as early as the age of four, moms sometimes make the mistake to parent their children to become somebody that meets what they think is right or what they wish they could have been. In some cases this kind of parenting goes on up until the university days. Once you let go, understand and accept who your child is, you automatically develop the kind of love and bond as you will start to see your child for who they truly are. Once this is achieved, power struggles disappear which in return allow space for a nurturing and healthy relationship. In other words allow your children to form their identity while you simply provide the foundation.
3. Allow them to experience failure and consequences.
The worst things I often see mothers do is attempt to protect their children in every way possible from failure and pain. It is your job as a mother to support your children through difficult times, but it is not your job to bear the pain for them. One of the toughest job as a mom is to watch your child in pain and sit back and watch. What you need to understand is that it is not a good idea to protect your children from the experiences and consequences of their actions. Think of it this way, how will your children ever learn from their mistakes if you take away the natural outcome of their poor choices? We humans learn through trying different things, we try something it fails, we face the consequences and try something else. If we build a wall to protect them they will never learn to get back up and fend for themselves.
4. Learn to cut the cord.
During their entire lives starting with the moment you give birth, you constantly find yourself having to cut one cord or another. Letting go of your children is perhaps one of the most difficult things you have to do as a mom. I have seen moms cry as their children start school to moms being handed handkerchiefs as their child walks down the isle. As children grow, mothers need to learn to pull back and become mentors and coaches, still loving them unconditionally but allowing them the space to learn and become individuals. As arduous as it is to accept , children are born as individuals and are here to move away.
Your child will probably never thank you for letting them struggle, but when you watch them become independent adults who can work through any challenge that life throws them, you will thank yourself.
The role of a mother is the most wearisome and painful job you can every have. Knowing what is right and wrong is impossible, but accepting that their isn't a 'right' answer all of the time makes it easier. There is no university degree or manual to teach the dos and don'ts of motherhood. Just remember to always remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and that you are making the best choices you know how to. So whether you yelled yesterday, forgot to pack a fruit in their lunchbox, or even forgot to remind them to book their flight home for the holidays, you are surely doing a great job. Remind yourself that you are an amazing mother and nobody in the world can do a better job than you.
